After regaining her figure and being allowed to transport her sons across state lines without a SWAT team escort, you’d think Britney Spears would be happy with her new life. She’s not. In an upcoming documentary Britney: For the Record, she reveals her torment, and also that she saw that Groundhog Day movie once. The Sun reports:

“There’s no excitement, there’s no passion. I have really good days, and then I have bad days. Even when you go to jail you know there’s the time when you’re gonna get out. But in this situation, it’s never ending. It’s just like Groundhog Day every day.
“I think it’s too in control. If I wasn’t under the restraints I’m under, I’d feel so liberated. When I tell them the way I feel, it’s like they hear but they’re really not listening. If you do something wrong in your work, you can move on, but I’m having to pay for a long time.
“I never wanted to become one of those prisoner people. I always wanted to feel free. I think I’ve learnt my lesson now and enough is enough.”

Dear Britney,

I’ve been there. Oh, how I’ve been there. In fact, some days I’m still there. (We’re talking about locking yourself in your own trunk, right?)
Sometimes, when I’m standing in line at Starbucks, I too want to throw my shit at people and yell “Pip pip cheerio, fuckers!” It’s like an itch you have to scratch. Or pour an entire venti mocha on; I’m not a doctor.
But at the end of day, I don’t. And you wanna know why? Let me share with you some words that are dear to my heart and, hopefully, will inspire you in this journey called “life”:
I’m a second striker.

JUMANJI!

The Superficial Writer

To whoever convinced Jessica Simpson all men want to secretly bang Daisy Duck, hardy har har, asshole.

I kid. High five! Do Heidi Montag next.

Robert Pattinson walked the red carpet last night for the world premiere of Twilight where he was reportedly deafened by 50 bajillion screaming teens who thought it’d be cool to scratch their necks all up to simulate a vampire bite. Ha ha. That’s our future, folks. I’m drowning myself in the tub. Us Magazine reports:

“They all just scream at me and now it just kind of feel like my job,” said Pattinson, who joked with MTV News that he’d gone “completely deaf” at the premiere.
Just the other day, Pattinson realized, “there were some girls who had scratched … the side of their necks so [they were] freshly bleeding when they came up to get a signature.
“They were like, ‘We did this for you.’ I didn’t know what to say. ‘Um, thanks guys?’”

Jesus, whatever happened to good ol’ fashioned getting high in your parents basement? If I ever had a daughter and she did something like this, I’d tell her she’s adopted. Of course, later on, I’d have to buy her a pony so she doesn’t stab me in my sleep. See? This parenting thing’s not so tough.

Britney Spears, despite being legally insane, went out on a date last night with a mystery man at Sur in Los Angeles. This has to be a kick in the birth canal for all the sane women out there who know that children aren’t an end table for your cellphone yet still can’t find a man. Ladies, I’m here for you - provided you don’t try to change me and make me wear pants. Can’t you just love me for who I am? *sniff* I’m going to my mother’s.

I imagine you could probably fry an egg on Benji Madden’s bald Elmer Fudd head right about now. These are pics of Paris Hilton getting cozy with her ex Stavros Niarchos at a club in Miami over the weekend, according to The Sun:

Greek shipping heir Stavros - who dated Paris in 2006 - made a beeline for Paris after they both attended the Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show in Miami.
A source said: ” Stavros looked thrilled to see Paris again and was spotted stroking her hair.
“They then looked deep in conversation.”

I know what some of you are thinking “Maybe they were just talking.” Really? Think about that one for a second: Who approaches Paris Hilton with the intent of hearing words come out of her mouth? I could go out back and talk to my garden hose for an hour, and it’d be a richer experience. (Read: I’d call him “Hosey.”)

Remember when Ashlee Simpson got pregnant, I’m guessing, at least ten years ago? That kid’s still in there. While taping an upcoming episode of The Ellen DeGeneres Show, Jessica Simpson says her little sister may have to induce labor soon. People reports:

“They’re going to have to. It’s already developing really quick,” Jessica said Monday at a taping of the The Ellen DeGeneres Show.
Ashlee – described by husband Pete Wentz more than two weeks ago as due at any moment – has already tried other ways to begin labor.
“Different foot massages and stuff,” Jessica told DeGeneres in the show airing Wednesday. “I don’t know. I think she’s really just jumping around trying everything right now.”

Then again, look who the source of this information is. The day I take medical advice from Jessica Simpson is the day I end up performing a C-Section with a hot dog because “babies like mustard.”

Here’s a rare occurrence: pictures of Kim Kardashian wearing a bikini without a sarong. Seriously, you’d have better luck finding a four-leaf clover that talks and knows all the words to “Total Eclipse of the Heart” by Bonnie Tyler - in Aramaic.

NOTE: Folks, we’ve got buttcrack. And quite possibly the lost city of Atlantis. I’ll keep you posted.

Heather Locklear has been formally charged for DUI stemming from her September arrest. Authorities say she was under the influence of prescription medicines, according to People:

If convicted, the actress, 47, faces penalties ranging from a fine to up to six months in county jail.
An arraignment was set for Jan. 26 in Santa Barbara Superior Court.
“Lab tests showed she had no alcohol in her system and no illegal narcotics of any kind,” says Senior Deputy District Attorney Lee Carter, who declined to comment on what medications – or the amounts – Locklear had taken.

Dude, are you scoping out those looks? I think she wants me. Big time.

Once upon a time (Read: 2005), a presumably coked-out Lindsay Lohan wrote “Scarlett Johansson is a bloody cunt” on a bathroom stall in New York City. The two were once in competition for the lead role in The Parent Trap which Lindsay won. Scarlett Johansson has never talked about the incident, but recently opened up about it in the latest issue of Allure where she claims she’s only met Lindsay “like three times”:

“I don’t know what the motivation was behind that. I remember it was something really vulgar — I mean, shockingly so, like, ‘Whoa, what, who are you?’”

I believe the more appropriate question when discussing Lindsay is “When, where, how much and is that gargoyle dude going to watch?” (Answer: Probably.)

Live in New York City? Now would be a good time to leave. Britney Spears is scheduled to light the tree at Rockefeller Center therefore ushering in Armageddon and ruining Christmas for every girl and every boy, according to OK! Magazine:

Sources close to the pop superstar confirm to OK! that on Dec. 3, the day after she turns 27 and her new album, Circus, hits record stores, Britney will be in the Big Apple for the 76th annual tree-lighting extravaganza. What’s still unclear is whether or not she’ll be performing at the ceremony, or just hanging out with host Al Roker for the NBC broadcast of the event.

BABY JESUS: Britney Spears? Are you shitting me?! She’ll eat the tree! Dad.
GOD: Son, the game’s on.
BABY JESUS: But, dad, she’ll ruin my birthday.
GOD: Jesus, Jesus, you’re killin’ me.
BABY JESUS: Fine. But I’m giving Stephen Baldwin those laser eyes he keeps asking for.
GOD: Yeah, yeah, sure, sure. TOUCHDOWN!

UPDATE: Stephen Baldwin blew up Hollywood, Keith Olbermann and beloved Harry Potter author J.K. Rowling today…